Learning2Step with Heather Hetchler

Don’t be a wrecking ball. Pour into your marriage and learn to separate feelings from truth. Heather Hetchler is a monthly columnist at Stepmom Magazine, a thought leader, and co-founder of Learning2Step, an online educational and empowerment program for blended families. Heather shares her blended family experiences and the advice that she’s learned along the way while reminding us to always be kind to ourselves.

Three Key Points

1.     Give everyone time to adjust. Just because two adults are healed, happy and healthy doesn’t mean the children are. Oftentimes, two people are dating and their kids are getting along and everything seems fine until you get married… She’s not baking snickerdoodles the way her mom did or we always had a real tree at Christmas time! A new stepmom should be understanding the grief and the loss that these kids are navigating but also give herself time to grieve the loss of the beautiful picture of the ideal blended family that she had in her head.

2.     Allow your stepchildren to have those mementos in their rooms or on the Christmas tree. It can be really difficult for kids to go back and forth between two homes. And sometimes, they want the comfort of that picture of your husband and their mother with them during happier times displayed prominently in their rooms. Learn to separate your feelings from the truth. The truth is he loves you and he’s your husband.

3.     Pour into your marriage. We join a family in progress. The reality is that the kids are going to grow up and move away. The waves are going to come because blending families is hard on a marriage. Make time to pour into your marriage because that’s a solid foundation. One of the greatest gifts we can give to our stepchildren, children or husband is the gift of modeling healthy habits and even the gift of modeling forgiveness.

Learning2Step.com

Contact:
Traci Dority-Shanklin:       LinkedIn    Twitter  Facebook
traci@sisupartnersllc.com
website: www.nuclear-families.com

Transcript

NF Narrator  0:01  

Welcome to the Nuclear Families Evangelist, a podcast that debunks the mythologies of biology by exploring the unique dynamics and relationships of blended families. It's time to unlock the hidden superpower of being blended, so here's your host, Traci Dority-Shanklin.

Traci Shanklin  0:19  

My next guest lives and breathes her nuclear families to Heather Hetchler is a wife, a mother and a stepmother. Perhaps you follow her monthly column in Stepmom magazine, or you've heard of her ministry with the Sisterhood of Stepmoms, an organization that provides help, healing and hope for women in their journeys to becoming a stepmother. Both Heather and her husband empower and support individuals and couples with their virtual courses at Learning2Step. Hey, Heather, and welcome to our podcast.

Heather Hetchler  0:54  

Thank you, Traci, for having me. It's a delight to be here with you.

Traci Shanklin  0:58  

I don't know if you remember, but we share a bit of history we met in 2012. At the time, I was shopping around a film -- my romantic comedy, which is loosely based on my life and the complicated relationships I grew up with in a multiple blended family, which was the result of multiple marriages and multiple divorces. But back in 2012, you were running a stepmom support network called -- is it called Cafe S-Mom? 

Heather Hetchler  1:26  

Cafe Smom.

Traci Shanklin  1:27  

Cafe Smom. Okay. And you had interviewed me for an article that you wrote for Stepmom magazine. It was in August of 2012. I know Cafe Smom has gone away, but I thought I saw its page or group page pop-up on my Facebook feed about a month or two ago. Is the Cafe Smom still active on Facebook? 

Heather Hetchler  1:52  

You know what? I still do have my Cafe Smom page. I've got my loyal stepmoms that follow me there and I'm actually planning on merging it with my Learning2Step page in the near future. It's been a little bit hard sometimes to let go of the original work which bodes well with being a stepmom. Sometimes it's hard to let go of what we bring into the family and so I'm going to be evolving that into Learning2Step and fold that in soon.

Traci Shanklin  2:15  

Very nice. And how has -- well, I mean, that goes into that question is how has it morphed? How has Cafe Smom morphed into Learning2Step? 

Heather Hetchler  2:24  

Cafe Smom was birthed in 2009. And you know, it stemmed from my stepdaughters writing them cards out when we were first married, and like what do I write? Do I write mom because I'm not their mom, but Heather seems too impersonal. So, I wrote s-mom. And then they made the word Smom, and it just kind of stuck. So, Cafe Smom was really birthed to help other stepmoms be validated, find resources, and it really grew and exploded and was just a wonderful way for me to help others. But, on that journey, I realized that not only does the stepmom need help, but the husband, the kids, the extended family. Together, my husband I launched Learning2Step and started building it in 2015, and we launched it in 2017. And that's where we offer a lot of online virtual learning to meet people where they are, and to really offer courses and help to empower anybody touched by a blended family. But, Cafe Smom will always be near and dear to my heart. Because that first step into really helping what I feel like is the heart of the stepfamily, which is the mom.

Traci Shanklin  3:33  

So true. I agree completely and it's wonderful that you've expanded that reach in all of the, I guess constituents in a -- in a step, blended family, if you will. Fast forward to today, and you're still writing and a columnist for Stepmom magazine. Is this the same column from our interview? Or are you doing more? Or is this something different?

Heather Hetchler  3:57  

No. So Traci, I have I've been writing for Stepmom magazine, which I really recommend. It's a great resource since 2010. Prior to that, I was doing interviews, articles, and then about a year and a half ago, I evolved into a monthly column basically, tips from the trenches. And so, I just offer, not just, but I offer practical tactics and tools on topics. I think sometimes we're really good at giving women strategies like you need to let go or you need to be more flexible. But, how do you do that? How do you let go? How do you become more flexible? How do you actually walk past your teenage stepdaughter’s room and not want to gag because there's dishes on the floor? The heart of that monthly column is really to provide tactical practical tools that cover different topics that we navigate.

Traci Shanklin  4:48  

That's awesome. And I think that's hard for any parent to walk back past a room that has a lot of dishes in it and clothes and whatever else might have blown up in there. Your authentic commitment to empowering stepfamilies to thrive is why I'm thrilled to chat with you again today and to reconnect with you after all these years. Like you, I want to support other women who have found themselves in these non-traditional families through remarriage or divorce. It really feels like for me, I've come full circle, or returned to my nuclear family's roots where I started, and when I started this podcast, so it's exciting to reconnect with you and other guests that I've had on the podcast. So far as I embark on this new branch in my nuclear families journey. Since 2012, you've been busy making a difference, you've never stopped making a difference in the lives of stepfamilies. And I love what you and your husband are doing by providing the coaching and the online courses to blended families through your program, Learning2Step. I got to ask -- what it's like working, having a professional working relationship with your husband?

Heather Hetchler  6:05  

As always, there's some ups and downs, right? And with COVID, too, especially, we would laugh because our offices are next door to each other. And we have that three-second commute downstairs. It's actually been a really good experience for us overall. We've been through a lot in our family. We've had to navigate a lot of difficulties. And so, not only can we help couples because of our knowledge, our professional experience, our training, but because we live it. And I think that the one thing and I always smile, but when we do group coaching, when my husband, I coach couples, so the nice thing about working with my husband is that we will bring in the husband, and we can coach the couple is sometimes he'll say when Heather used to and I think what is he going to say? And but we can relate and I think that for a couple and this was for us too. Sometimes we mean the best we try and give our spouse advice or clarity and share. And it's just hard to hear it from our spouse sometimes, because sometimes it means we have to look really deep down inside of us and see some ugliness. But when we can share it with another couple, and the lightbulbs go off. "Oh, is that how I make you feel honey, when I say that to you?" Or "Is that what you've been struggling with all this time? Is that how my kids make you feel?" They're able to hear us in a different way because it's not coming from their spouse. 

Heather Hetchler  7:37  

And I think in some ways, it's provided my husband and I a lot of healing too, because we realize we're not the only couple that has gone through that and that we can use our brokenness and what we've walked through and become so much stronger, to help others and to give hope. Because, Traci, I have a marriage now that I never thought I could have. We are in such an amazing place. It has taken a lot of hard work, a lot of tears, a lot of grace, a lot of forgiveness, a lot of learning. But, I really want to encourage and empower other couples to stay the course to get educated to understand that so much of what they're navigating isn't personal. It's the complexities of the family. And once you understand that, it just opens up I think a whole new perspective and way to navigate. 

Traci Shanklin  8:24  

Yeah, it's so true. It's so true. The dynamics and the family are so unique and, and complex. I mean that's in any family, but you add this other layer and it becomes a really different thing. And I do think that people sometimes underestimate the -- they underestimate the amount of preparedness that it takes to to actually have this have a blended family. I wanted to just to back up a little bit, but how did this come about? How did you and your husband just start talking about doing this together? Because I think it's amazing what you're doing.

Heather Hetchler  9:05  

Thank you. Well, Andy's always been a really big cheerleader. In fact, he was the one that really helped propel me to start Cafe Smom. I was a new stepmom, I thought we were going to be like the Brady Bunch, one of my favorite shows ever. And we got married and even a few weeks in, we looked at each other and this wasn't supposed to happen. This wasn't supposed to happen this way. And when we first got married, it was so much harder than we thought, and I was looking for resources and all I was finding back then 2009 --or actually 2007 -- was negative chat rooms. I was just getting validated for my pain, but I wasn't getting any resources to stay and move forward. And he was like you should do something. So, one night we birthed Cafe Smom. And all of a sudden, I started seeing all this traffic between one and three in the morning. And while women weren't necessarily commenting on my blog posts, they were emailing me. They were writing me. They didn't want to comment and put a footprint on social media because they didn't want the ex following them. 

Heather Hetchler  10:04  

And so, I worked really hard, and I saw the difference, but we would always get the question, do you have any resources for my husband? Can you help my husband? And so, Andy, you know, I would talk to him a lot about the work I was doing. And he said, "You know what? I think it's time Heather, to evolve this, and to really grow this into helping others." And so, that was really the start of it. And then it was really his idea to start building the virtual courses. So, even before COVID, we were reaching families, because, honestly, I think women are much more likely to go to counseling. They're much more likely to take the time to go. That's not -- that's not necessarily what men want to do. And so, we found that we were better able to reach men and couples when we can meet them online; when we could send them a course; when we could teach in that capacity. 

Heather Hetchler  10:51  

And so, it just really grew. And I primarily do a lot of the work with Learning2Step, but my husband does come in, he does the coaching with the other couples. He helps with creating the courses. And it's really our goal to teach and empower, like you said, I think that there's so many myths and lies that people believe about stepfamilies; about how easy it's going to be; how it just takes love. How, of course you're a good person, my kids are going to love you. And we found that when we've taught and we've broken down those lies and those myths, we've really been able to empower couples and families to grow stronger and to have some radical acceptance about some of the things that are just going to be.

Traci Shanklin  11:33  

I think it's amazing to do this work because I know that it -- gosh, I became a stepmom in 2002. Yes. And I wish that I had a place that I could have a look too because I agonized over my desire to be the right kind of stepmom, and I was a stepchild. So, I had all of this baggage, I was bringing along with me as to how it wasn't easy to navigate being just the stepchild. So, as a stepmom I wanted to kind of, I think, honor that and give permission to the children to have these feelings. But, I put a ton of pressure on myself. I guess I'd ask you what piece of advice would you give to a new stepmom? And what do you give to new stepmoms? If someone isn't yet a stepmom but is considering blending her family? So what kind of advice are you giving?

Heather Hetchler  12:39  

I would say, obviously, it's not what you're gonna go through isn't about you personally; it's about the dynamics of the family. But, the other thing that Andy and I teach this, and this is one of the first things we teach, and we've gotten some pushback, but we feel very strongly about this is that it's really important for the couple to know that their marriage and their blended family is built on loss. Because a stepfamily cannot occur without a death, divorce, or unpartnering. Even if the two adults are healed, and happy and healthy. The children most likely aren't. You know, wherever there's loss, there's grief. And when you have grief, you have to grieve. And a lot of times kids don't have the capacity to understand what that means. And so, what oftentimes happens is two people are dating, the kids are getting along and everything seems to go great. And then you get married. And then the stepmom is not going anywhere. And now it's Christmas time, and she's baking snickerdoodles and not the way her mom did. Or they're bringing in a real tree because that's what she likes. But they've always had the artificial tree in the foyer. 

Heather Hetchler  13:46  

And so, there's grief, especially in those moments where there's tradition, or stepmom will come in, and she does want the kids to like her, she does want to do things. And if a child has a mother who isn't very involved or who isn't healthy, that child is grieving that. And as much as the stepmom is wonderful, it's almost if I can't get that kind of healthy mothering from my own mother, I don't want it from you. I don't want my stepmom to be a better mom and my mom. And so understanding the grief and the loss that these kids are navigating. And then also the loss that you're going to have because you may have a picture in your mind of what your family should be like. And it's probably a gorgeous, beautiful, wonderful picture of peace and hope and love. But you've got to grieve that most likely the family that you're going to have is not going to match the dream that you're having.

Traci Shanklin  14:39  

It's so true. I mean, that's, you know, it kind of sums up -- I think I was a textbook stepchild, in that, I really did struggle with this concept of I had a lot of, I think for me, it was guilt. I had this sense that I had to protect my other parent And that meant that no matter how wonderful my stepmother or my stepfather was, I was going to be somewhat in rejection of them. Because to accept them or to honor it completely would mean that I had somehow violated a trust that -- a trust that my other parent, my biological parent, had placed with me. So, it was, it's something that I really resonate with. And I felt very sensitive to it going into my marriage. Again, was a conversation that I had with my husband, and it was one that I'm not sure at the time, I thought, "Oh, who better to be a stepmom than me? Because I'm asking the right questions." But I didn't, I hadn't completely resolved my own stuff, to understand what it was going to mean for me in the long run. And I learned on my feet in the moment in the relationship. Again, going to this idea that if you're considering -- if you're in a relationship, where you're either already in a blended family, and didn't think through all of these things in advance, much like you and I, you know, how do you think that you should initiate the topic of blending families with children?

Traci Shanklin  16:16  

So, are you talking about initiating it before you're married, or after you're married? 

Traci Shanklin  16:20  

So, I think it could be either, so maybe you can address it on both sides. If it's different for you to address it in advance, let's start there, and then see what's different about it when you're already in it. And you realized, okay, this isn't working. 

Heather Hetchler  16:35  

I think there's a lot of complexities with that, I think being on the same page with your partner, right? So, sitting down, and I think getting educated on what to expect. In that way, when those things happen, you're not surprised, because like you said, sometimes the kids like when they're first meeting someone that their parents dating, it's fun. But then once it's permanent, they do feel like if they don't get that permission from the biological parent, they can't let the stepparent into their heart, because somehow they're hurting. And so, understanding those dynamics, and then, you know, talking to the kids and letting them know, like we're getting married, we understand that you didn't have a say in the divorce, or maybe their parent has passed away. And you want to make sure that you're always going to honor the memory of their mother or father. There's different dynamics that you've got to address. 

Heather Hetchler  17:21  

And if they give push back, say, "We understand that you're not in favor of the marriage, or that you, you know, don't necessarily want this person around," but get a feel for where your kids are. And I think you have to stand firm as a couple, this is going to happen, we are getting married. We're not asking you. Like in our situation, we always said to like, "I'm never going to ask you to love your stepparent, but you do need to be respectful towards them. Right, because we can't tell someone to love. Kids, oftentimes, just don't have the mental wherewithal to process so much it's going on. And oftentimes, they fear that they're going to lose their parent to the new spouse, which isn't true, but they can feel that way. And so, I think it's really important, especially if you have younger kids, but even if you have kids in your 20s, or 30s, to carve out time. 

Heather Hetchler  18:09  

So, often we want to do all this family stuff together, because we want to make the family blend and it's like we put everybody in the blender and we put it on, pulse, and then everybody just gets beat up, right? You know, having that intentional time to say, I'm gonna go once or twice a month, we're gonna go get ice cream, just me and my kids. We're gonna go do these things and have time alone with just your children. If you're already married, and you haven't done that, it's never too late to initiate those things. Say, you know what? I think it'd be nice to just get some time. Because a lot of times to what I hear from the stepmom is, we're gonna go do something and I get the eyeroll, "Is she coming?" "Does she have to come," and they're all talking about me, like I'm invisible. I'm in the room. And I feel like I'm not wanted, but my husband wants me to go. And I always say, You know what, then start to take your power back. 

Heather Hetchler  18:56  

Those kids may -- they may not want to compete with you for their dad's attention, even though their dad doesn't think that way. So, start planning the trips for them. Start saying, "Hey, you know what? I just got movie tickets and ice cream gift certificates. You and your dad go away for the day." And they'll start to be like, "Are you not coming?" "No, go, and have time with your dad." The stepmom typically doesn't have fun anyway when she's with her husband and kids and they don't want her there. So, go get a manicure; go have coffee with your girlfriends; go back to bed; go do something that's some self-care that's going to, you know, because I think like you said, we put so much pressure on ourselves. We start to lose who we are in this perpetual chase to be this amazing stepmother and to make our stepkids like us and be so happy that we start to lose ourselves and we stop doing the things that refresh us. 

Heather Hetchler  19:44  

And so, taking that back and making sure that we're spending time building into ourselves, building into our marriage, because at the end of the day, we're a stepparent because we love a man with kids. And we have to remember that we're a wife first. And so being able to take that pressure off of ourselves. And being able to encourage time with our husband and his kids is important. Taking time with our own children, if we brought kids into the mix. And just being aware, I think of where all of our kids are. And sometimes our kids are in different places. 

Heather Hetchler  20:16  

I know for me, I had one stepdaughter that just gravitated me just instantly. And she was like my little shadow. She wanted to craft with me cook with me -- everything. And then my other stepdaughter, I did not know where I stood with her based on the minute. And once I started to, like, just say, “You know what? You and your dad spend the day together you to do this.” It was almost like she realized, she's not competing with me. And as she's got older, we've had some really great conversations. And that's what came out of it. She thought that her dad was going to love me more. She thought she was going to lose her dad. And can you imagine being a 5, 6, 7-year-old thinking that this woman's coming in. You see your dad hugging, kissing her, that there's only this finite amount of love. Kids just don't get that. And so, I think it's just really important to empower the kids and show them that you're not competing and give them that time and space to just be with their father.

Traci Shanklin  21:14  

I wish I had done more of that. I know I did a lot of on my side, going to the idea of I wanted to do it right as I would, especially with my stepdaughter, my stepson, it's a little more, you know, we didn't have as many common denominators in terms of interest. But, with her, I can remember taking her out individually, but I don't think that if I look back on it, that I was super proactive about having her have individual time with her father. My stepson lived with us, so he got it by virtue of just being there. And they could go and grab a meal or that kind of thing. But with her she was always visiting, and I'm not sure I did a lot of that. So, that's something I could have definitely done better. Is there an ideal time do you think to begin the merging process? Is it when you're dating? Or is it better to wait until, I mean, I know it's always better to wait until you're serious? And you know, this is going to the next step, but do you find that that's case specific?

Heather Hetchler  22:16  

Yeah, sometimes it can be case specific. And I do I just want to stop for one second to and I heard what you said about, maybe you could have done things different. I think, too, that I really want to encourage women to not put any guilt or shame on themselves because like, we don't know what we don't know. And I didn't do it right. I'll tell you my lightbulb moment was we used to watch family movies, right? We had six kids under nine when we got married. And they all wanted to sit with their parent back then. So, we would decide my husband and I would sit together and the kids would be on the floor. And every time I would get up to make popcorn or go to the restroom, I'd come back and she'd be in my seat. And my husband would be like, "Get up. She's back." And I would look at her face. 

Heather Hetchler  22:56  

And I remember one time when I got up and I said, "Hey, you know what, why don't you come and sit next to your dad." And she looked at me. And it was almost like there was this shift. Like she invited me to take her seat. And when I came back, I sat on the floor and one of my kids came over and sat on my lap. But, I realized he was trying to protect the couple time. And that was really kind of him, right? That's his wife seat, you know, but I think she just needed to know, "Because before you got here, I sat and watched Nemo with my Daddy every Saturday, I sat and he held me." And so, I think that I didn't realize that for a while. And looking back. I'm like, I wish I would have done that from the beginning, but we don't know, we don't know. 

Heather Hetchler  23:38  

And in terms of the merging two, I do think it's case specific. But, if you're moving, one of the things that I recommend, if you can't afford it, is to get a neutral house. Get a house where there's no memory of another parent. It helps a lot with that's not how my mom arranged the kitchen, or that's not how my dad mows the yard, or that's not how -- if that's not the case, try and be able to give the kids some space and some say in how they decorate their room, or what they do. Allow the kids and this is a tricky one. Children have both sets of parents, whether they're alive or not whether they're healthy or not. So, you may not want pictures of the ex-wife in your house. I understand that. But, allow your child to have those pictures in their bedroom. If they bring that ornament out at Christmas with her face on it, allow them to hanging on the tree. You're basically saying I know you have a mom and I support your relationship. I'm not here to replace her. I'm not here to cause grief and allow them to have those mementos and things in the home in their room especially that they might need it. It can be really difficult for some kids to go back and forth between homes and sometimes they just want that comfort of that picture. Sometimes, it is a picture of your husband and their mother with them when they were little. 

Heather Hetchler  24:58  

What I try and tell stepmoms is you have to be able to separate feelings from truth. So, allow yourself to be hurt that maybe every time you go in her room, you see a picture of your husband and his ex-wife. But, the truth is, they're not married anymore. The truth is he loves you. The truth is he is your husband. Remind yourself of that. Allow yourself to grieve those feelings. And maybe if there is that picture in the room, and you know it's in the lefthand corner, when you walk in there, just don't look over here. Because having that picture in the room really means a lot to your child -- to your stepchild.

Traci Shanklin  25:31  

Yeah, I'm a mother through adoption. And I have done a lot of homework on that and that is something that is talked about is allowing them to have a picture of their biological mother around if they choose to. And in my case, my kids do not, but that said, they both have pictures and have seen them and can sneak peek if that's how they prefer to do it on their own terms. But certainly, I agree with that. 100%. And that's just comes from understanding that other piece, too, layered on top of being a stepparent.

Heather Hetchler  26:08  

That I think sometimes it's the battle. I think sometimes step kids are testing. And if you're okay with it, they may not want it, but if you fight it, they may start trying to sneak it into the living room in the kitchen. Because is she going to stick around? Is she going to love me even when I'm hard to love. Is she going to be here for me because especially if they had their mother leave them. They may be afraid to show you love or to connect with you because what if you leave me, too.

Traci Shanklin  26:34  

And if they have their father leave them on the other side, so I would venture and you will know this better than me in terms of your experience dealing with it. But, I would venture that the kids do blame like they will see one parent as the culprit, regardless of whether it was a mutual separation or not. I mean, I think feel like that was with my stepchildren, even though I know that him and his ex mutually parted. I feel like there was a sense that they felt that it was the dad because he's the one who moved out. He left the kids in their home and that was the decision that they made together. And then ultimately he moved away from them from the state that they were in.

Heather Hetchler  27:22  

You know, it along those lines, too, I think sometimes kids are looking for reasons to understand why the divorce happened or why the unpartnering happened. And you're right. And that's why it's just so important to just stay the course like you know the truth. And I do believe that as kids get older, they will understand more about what happened and why. But, in the beginning, I think they're trying to make some sense for their pain. And if they do talk kids will only share hurt towards you if they feel safe to do so, right? That's why some kids are so protective of the dysfunctional parent because they know if they upset them or they hurt them, they might lose their love. And sometimes they're the roughest on the parent they feel the safest with. It is difficult to hear your kids or your step kids share things that they're upset with you about, but they only share that if their safety.

Traci Shanklin  28:09  

Yeah, I hear you. I know you've talked about events that have happened in your family, but was there ever like a conversation that you feel comfortable sharing or an experience that where if you could just give an example of an experience or a conversation that you had that kind of maybe shifted? I know you talked about the thing with the couch and sitting next to each other during movie night, but was there ever a conversation that you and that particular stepdaughter had that you felt like was an important conversation to have?

Heather Hetchler  28:44  

Yeah, you know, in our situation, I've never met their mother. She left my husband and the two kids and never came back one day. And so, there is a big hole in their heart that I tried to fill for a long time. And I realized that I didn't make the hole and I can't fill it. And she would oftentimes asked me, "Why does my mom hate me? Why does my mom hate me?" I can remember, you know, and I like I think it's God that gave me the words I would say to her, "I don't think your mother hates you. I think she loves you. She just doesn't know how to love you the way you need to be loved." And for some reason everyone else could tell her that that her mom loved her, but hearing it from me, I think felt different because in some ways, I think she thought I was trying to replace her mom, even though I wasn't and I wasn't the reason. I never met their mom, but hearing me say that I believe their mother loved her but not in the way she needed to be loved. There just seemed to be a little bit of a release there. 

Heather Hetchler  29:49  

And there was some jealousy, I think because I brought four kids in and I was a different type of mom than their mom was before she left and there's no you know, there's no judgment. There's no right or wrong way to mother. I just did things different. And when it would be birthdays, I would, you know, my kids were used to me telling them the story of the day they were born. And I don't know that story for my stepdaughters. And their dad could give them some details. And so, that used to bother my, my stepdaughter a lot. And so, when she turned 16, I went on a quest to figure out when she was born, because she would ask my husband, "Dad, what time was I born," and he didn't remember, that's sometimes just typically moms versus dads, right? So, my mother, my mother-in-law helped me out. She was able to find like a candy wrapper with all that information. So, I had a necklace engraved with her birthday, the time she was born. And I gave it to her. And it's her favorite gift ever. Because it just meant a lot that I went to the trouble to find that out because I wasn't there when she came into the world. But, I cared enough for her to figure that out.

Traci Shanklin  31:00  

That resonates for me as a mother through adoption. Now, I know it has been 17 years since you and your husband married and blended, but do you recall any piece of advice that you got that might have really helped? 

Heather Hetchler  31:15  

I remember when we were first preparing to get married, actually, it was an older couple at our church that we didn't even know very well. Back then, we had a blended family healing ministry, which was pretty uncommon back then. And they heard we were getting married, they heard we were blending six kids, and they pulled us aside and they said, "We really recommend that you let go of all your volunteer opportunities for the next year, and really pour into your marriage." And they didn't say pour into your family. And they said, "Because the waves are going to come and the stronger you can be as a couple the better you can withstand them." At first, we're like, but we love volunteering together, and we want to do all these family trips. And we thought about it; we prayed about it. And we didn't relinquish our volunteering. But, we probably could have spent more time pouring into our marriage than we did. We had, you know, who's gonna find someone to babysit six crazy kid under nine. You know, we could have found more creative ways, but I understand what she means. You know, the reality is the kids are gonna grow up and move. 

Heather Hetchler  32:21  

And the reality is blended family life is hard on a marriage. Because you bring your kids together, or a woman comes in, maybe she doesn't have children. And there's a history there, right? We join a family and progress. And so, I can't stress enough how important it is to pour into your marriage. And when you don't want to be around your spouse, it's really important to choose to be. Now if there's abuse going on, I mean, make sure that you're safe. I would never ask anyone to step over anything like that. But, if you're just annoyed with your husband, or you don't agree with the fact that he lets his kids wear crop tops to school because you wouldn't let your daughters. You know, be intentional to grieve that things are not the way you want. But also be kind yourself; be kind to your spouse; make time to pour into your marriage because that's the solid foundation. That's what's going to be left over when the kids leave. And the kids will leave. Our youngest is graduating at the end of the month, and we're going to be empty nesters. And I feel like our honeymoon is just going to start. 

Traci Shanklin  33:24  

That's amazing. That's very good advice. Excellent advice, to really never forget that that is the foundation. That is the foundation of a blended family. I mean, you are the reason that this family is coming together, you and your partner. So, you have to be on the same page. I have one last question if you have time. And it would be what's the worst advice anyone ever gave you that you thought definitely do not take that advice?

Heather Hetchler  33:51  

It's your house your rules. You better make the kids do what you want. I'm not a big Miley Cyrus fan. Not that I don't like her music. I'm just too old. But, she has a song called Wrecking Ball. And I think sometimes that's how we come in as a stepmom. I came in as a wrecking ball. And it wasn't necessarily with that philosophy. And like, you know what, I'm going to cook healthy meals for these girls, I'm going to teach them how to dress modestly. I'm going to be the mom that I've been for my kids. And that's not what they needed. That's not what they had. And I spent a lot of time and energy, and with good intentions trying to mother them the same way to be fair, but they really needed me to be a lot less hands on and a lot just more supportive. And I think that you can say sure it is your house. They are your rules. But, you have to decide what kind of relationship you want. And if you're just going to force your ideals onto somebody, you're not going to be able to build a relationship and at the end of the day, you want to have a relationship with your step kids so that they do feel safe to come to you. They do want to talk to you. 

Heather Hetchler  34:56  

And if you're one of those stepmoms listening and you're like, "Oh, yes, I have been the wrecking ball." You know what? You don't know what you don't know. And you do have good intentions. And I think that's really one of the hardest things is that as women, we come in, and we want to help, and we want to be the best, and we want to mother. But, sometimes, we just, if we don't have someone else walking alongside of us, or we don't have healthy resources, we just don't know what we don't know. And so, if you're one of those moms that's been trained, I'll say, for lack of a better word, pushing your agenda. It's not too late to change course. And I think one of the greatest gifts we can give our step kids our kids our husband, anybody, is the gift of modeling healthy habits. And that's even the gift of modeling forgiveness to say, you know, what? I realized I've been trying to force my menus on you or this or that, and that, that probably wasn't the best thing. So, I acknowledge what I've been doing probably hasn't been working. And I'm going to take a step back. Can you imagine what a kid would think like, "My stepmom is admitting that like she's been to," that can really model what grace and forgiveness and real love looks like.

Traci Shanklin  36:06  

I think that's a really important point is that as a stepparent not to be afraid to apologize. I have a very specific incidents when my stepson moved in, where I was like, "This is my house, and he's gonna follow my rules." And that very quickly did not work out so well, because he was 16. And he was well on his path to independence and felt that he should have it. And had been given it with his mother. I think that part of the reason he came to live with us was because of that. But yeah, he needed some boundaries. Yes. But they didn't need to be quite as firm and as strong as I thought it was going to be, and frankly, I hit the wall, of course, a 16-year-old boy, you can imagine.

Heather Hetchler  36:58  

Well, if our husband isn't behind it, it's not going to work. That's just the truth. 

Traci Shanklin  37:01  

Yeah and it's hard because in my situation, my husband had a lot of Daddy guilt. And so, there was a lot of passive aggressiveness on his side where he was like, "Yes, I agree with you, Traci. We're gonna do it this way." But, when right up against it, he would want me to be the bad guy. And of course, that is the worst place for a stepparent to be. I'm sure it's equally as bad for stepfather, but it was definitely bad for stepmother.

Heather Hetchler  37:28  

And I think a lot of men have that. I think it's important for stepmoms to hear that. I've worked with this a lot. A lot of women start to lose respect for their husbands when they say one thing, but don't follow through. I always encourage them though to step back and to look at their husband through the eyes of compassion to say, "Could you imagine if you had a fear that you could lose your child, if you push too hard?" You know, we can't really understand what our husband's going through. We just have to understand that if they're not going to back something, unless it's like a life or death situation, that's where we've got to learn to let it go. 

Traci Shanklin  37:57  

Yeah, exactly. 

Heather Hetchler  37:59  

Not easy. 

Traci Shanklin  38:00  

Not easy at all. It's not easy at all. This is the end of my first conversation with Heather Hetchler, but we had more to cover and Heather will return and our next episode. She will bring over two decades of stepparenting experience to provide helpful strategies for navigating the complexities of being a stepmom. You won't want to miss it.

NF Narrator  38:25  

If you're a seeker looking for answers, we'd love to have you join our blended little family by subscribing to the podcast on your favorite podcast player. Want to continue the conversation after the podcast? Join our email list by visiting our website at nuclear-families.com We'll see you next time on the Nuclear Families Evangelist.

Traci Shanklin  38:50  

Sisu Partners, LLC, hosts the Nuclear Families Evangelist podcast which contains content discussions that have been prepared for informational educational and entertainment purposes only. No listener should assume that any discussion on this podcast serves as the receipt of, or substitute for, personalized advice from an investment professional or licensed medical professional. As the information provided on this podcast is not intended to be investment, legal, tax or medical advice. The company is not an SEC-registered investment advisor and does not solicit clients or raise capital for money managers.