The Blended Family: Born Out of Loss

Blended families are born out of loss. A stepfamily would not exist if there hadn’t been a death, a divorce, or a break-up of a previous relationship. Laura Petherbridge, a wife, stepmother, life coach, and published author of several books including The Smart Stepmom, joins Traci on the podcast. Laura explains how loss influences the stepfamily dynamic and the importance of addressing this loss in your own blended family.

Three Key Points:

1.     Laura highlights the importance of couples entering into blended families to address this key issue of loss for their children and stepchildren. 

2.    Laura explains how we must overcome the lie that loss is no big deal for kids and that they'll be perfectly fine with the new relationship of their parents. Just because the children aren't acting out does not mean that they aren't struggling. We've got to become educated in our understanding of what the child's brain and emotions are doing, so Laura recommends getting some resources to help understand what our children's brains experience when their biological family splits up. 

3.     Laura mentions a book written specifically for the child living between two homes called Between Two Worlds by Elizabeth Marquardt. Elizabeth does a superb job of explaining what happens in the brain of the child who flips between one household for a period of time and then to a completely different dynamic in their second household. Even though it's an older book and doesn't contain all the technical stuff that today's kids are dealing with, it's still a great resource on the market because it explains it so well and gives the parents advice on what to do about it.

Laura Petherbridge: Website

Contact:
Traci Dority-Shanklin: LinkedIn Twitter Facebook
traci@sisupartnersllc.com
website: www.nuclear-families.com

Transcript

Traci Dority-Shanklin: 0:20

I have an extraordinary guest on the show today. My guest is Laura Petherbridge. She is an author of five books, including The Smart Stepmom, which she co-authored with Ron L. Deal, 101 Tips for the Smart Stepmom, Quiet Moments for the Stepmom Soul, Seeking a Silent Night: Unwrapping a Stepfamily Christmas, and When I Do Becomes I Don't: Practical Steps During Separation and Divorce. Laura is an international speaker and has been featured at the Billy Graham Training Center, on Focus on the Family, Lifeway, crosswalk.com and Divorce Care and Family Life. Laura is also a life coach. Like us, she lives and breathes her nuclear families. She is a wife of 36 years, a stepmom of two stepsons, a grandmother, a daughter and a stepdaughter. Hi, Laura. Thank you so much for joining us today.

Laura Petherbridge: 1:19

Thank you so much for asking. I truly appreciate it.

Traci Dority-Shanklin: 1:24

When I was researching our topic and putting together questions for the podcast, I visited your website, which I loved. And I loved how so conscious you are to the fact that blended families are born out of loss. As somebody who came from multiple blended, multiple marriages, and a blended family myself, I think this is sometimes overlooked and really forgotten or people frown on talking about it. So, look, I married somebody who had children. We fell in love, and he had moved on from his past relationship. His heart had mended; we were happy. And in the case again of my marriage, I was his second wife. And so, he had moved on, but for me it was my first marriage, so I was just blissfully happy. But meanwhile, there were two children who were, had suffered this trauma and they're still grieving very much the relationship of their mom and dad, and they're still hurting. And I, like I said, I know this firsthand because I didn't get a divorce from my mom or dad. They got a divorce. So how important do you think it is for couples entering into blended families to address this issue of loss for their children and stepchildren?

Laura Petherbridge: 2:49

You're absolutely right that people do not like discussing this subject as it relates to blended families, stepfamilies because for some reason, when you make that statement, that all stepfamilies are birthed on top of loss. A stepfamily wouldn't exist if there hadn't been a death or a divorce or the breakup of a previous relationship. For some reason, they take that to mean that you're saying that the current relationship isn't valid or good or healthy or built on love. And so, that's not at all what I'm saying when I say all stepfamilies are birthed on loss. The point is that if we don't address how the stepfamily came to be, and that just because the adults in the scenario, or this is even true of adult step-kids, that just because the couple is happy that they have found each other and they have a new relationship and they're healed or over what happened in the past, they automatically assume and desire that the children young or adult have that same way of thinking. And they become very angry or annoyed if you point out that the children are not emotionally in the same place as the couple. So, there's where the rub comes is the couple can get and does get very angry with me when I say that. And the only reason it's important to mention it is because it shows how radically different a second marriage is than a first marriage than a first relationship. You don't have all of these extenuating circumstances in a first marriage that you do in a second, so that's why it's important to address it. So, do I think we talk about it enough? Absolutely not because we want to pretend that it's not true. And see you can't work on -- you can't address; you can't change; you can't heal what you refuse to admit exists. And that's why it's important.

Traci Dority-Shanklin: 5:13

Yeah, it's so true in my current family dynamic, not my extended dynamic. So, my dad has a wife, who's my stepmom, and she has two children, and she is his fourth wife, but it's been interesting. I don't know, like waiting for the other shoe to drop or you're walking around a landmine because there's a real sensitivity, particularly on my stepmom's side of having to hear from his kids anything that they don't, that they don't like that might be going on in the family dynamic. It's - it's a very hard thing for her to grapple with because she does, I think want to put that picture of perfection on her life, and I truly get it. And, but, it isn't, it's not the reality. Because everyone, and that's one of the things, even in the story that I mentioned that I had written is that I realized in writing it is that everybody brings a different point of view to the event. So, it was, while I had my drama or trauma in dealing with my parents' divorce, I had half-siblings on both sides of my family who very much had a different trauma dealing with it. Because they were losing a stepparent that they had known since they were three or four years old, and suddenly, and not only were they losing that stepparent, but there was no legal connection for them going forward, where there was for me. And so, it was very, it was a really, tenuous, like for them, they didn't even know if they were ever going to have, this father figure or this mother figure in their life again.

Laura Petherbridge: 7:04

It really is multifaceted and multilayers, and depending on the age of the kids, sometimes they know that they're experiencing a grief or a loss, or, but many times they don't even, haven't even processed all of that emotion. And this is even as an adult, as you're describing, they're losing a stepparent that perhaps they had grown close to or viewed as a parental figure. And yet there's no legal tie to that parent. Similar happened to me when my dad and my first stepmom got divorced. I never saw those stepbrothers and half-brother for over 20 years until my father had a stroke. So, you've got this big chunk of time and my dad had legally adopted her children, so they had legal rights. They actually had the legal right to pull the plug on my dad's respirator before I got there. Now think about that for a moment. These stepbrothers that I haven't seen in 20 years have the power legally to turn off my dad's life support, and I haven't seen them. So fortunately, my stepbrother did not feel comfortable doing that until I got there. And my bro, my biological brother got there, but boy, look at how horrible that could have been. See you don't think about those things when you're getting remarried, and when you're adopting, and when you're creating all of this. So, it's very important to discuss all of these things, attend events, read books that are going to cause you to understand, “Okay, what things should we be discussing?” And let's not get mad at the kids if they're struggling with all these different emotions or loyalties. Kids are fiercely loyal to a biological parent. Even if that parent is not a good parent. And so, it's just so multifaceted, and we've got to be patient and willing to learn.

Traci Dority-Shanklin: 9:17

Yeah, that is something I've mentioned in another conversation I had was that I had a real struggle with that loyalty piece. I really did fall in love with my stepmom and my stepfather, but I felt uncomfortable really voicing how much I cared about that particular person to my mom or my dad, and because of the loyalty I felt for them. And I will say I probably kept both of them for long periods of times at an arms-length relationship because to have that relationship would have been a violation of trust in my mind. I also can say on the other side as a stepmom, I definitely felt that. I definitely could see my children struggle with their loyalty to their, to their mother. And it's rightly and it was something that I had to at some point decide to be the adult in the room, because I'm not going to say I always did it right as a stepmom, but I definitely, at some point realized, I know where this is coming from. Like I've been in their shoes before, so I have to take a step back and give a lot more grace where this is concerned.

Laura Petherbridge: 10:36

Yes, and it takes a very mature, kind-hearted person to do that. I often say that being a stepmom is the, one of the hardest jobs I've ever done in my life, because it is consistently doing what you just described. It is not thinking about my myself, and what I want and my emotions and my needs and wants. It is remembering that these are kids who have a bunch of different emotions floating all over the place; that they have tremendous loyalty bond to their biological parent, even if they're angry with that parent. And that this really isn't about me, that's the hardest, and the biggest thing to do is to keep reminding yourself, “You know what, Laura? This isn't about you. This really has very little to do with you. You could be the Mother Teresa of stepmoms, and you would still be having these issues because it's about the complexity in the bonds.” And so, if we can get healed enough within ourselves -- for me, it's within my faith in God. But with, if we can get healed enough to know what that our identity is not tied to being a stepmom or being a mom or being in a blended family or what my step-kids think about me, they're reacting to their own emotions. And so, once I learned, “Laura, this really has very little to do with you. You just keep being a good, loving, kind, compassionate stepmother, and eventually they will see your heart.” And once they get older, they process their own emotions. Stop trying to convince everybody that you're Wonder Woman. And let it go because it really is not about you. So, the more I learned, the easier that became.

Traci Dority-Shanklin: 12:48

Yeah, ditto. How can couples address this issue of loss with their stepchildren when preparing to blend their families?

Laura Petherbridge: 12:56

Well, the first thing they have to do is admit that it exists, and that's often the biggest hurdle. As we just discussed, there appears to be some sort of shame or, denial or fear, or, a bunch of emotions associated with, and of course, tremendous guilt as a parent, by saying, my children are grieving. We want to convince ourselves that kids are not affected by divorce or the breakup of the first relationship, so that's the first thing we've got to do is overcome that lie. That kids do fine; that there's no big deal; that they're just going to just la-de-da into this next relationship, and it's not a big deal. So, we've got to get rid of that falsehood that the children just because they aren't acting like crazy people that means they're not struggling. So, the first point is to admit and get some resources that help you to understand what the brain of a child goes through when their biological family splits up. We've got to become educated on what their brain is doing because kids -- their child's actions doesn't necessarily display what their brain is thinking. And that's because their brain isn't developed yet. We often put the adult brain on the child, and we think, “Okay, they're being a little brat.” That means they're just being snotty. No, usually that means they're afraid, or they're angry. It's just coming out that way because they don't have a developed brain yet. They don't know how to express that, so it's coming out in behaviors. And so, my first point in that would be number one, accept that the child could very well be struggling with fear, anger, depression, resentment. And then get some resources that teach you as the parent how not to let that turn into guilty parenting, but how to help the child process those emotions.

Traci Dority-Shanklin: 15:22

Good advice. So, I am a mother through adoption, as I mentioned, and I have done a lot of homework on this very topic. And if we're being fair, the brain does not stop. From one to seven, zero to seven, actually zero to seven is the big developmental. And I think that was a massive “A-ha” moment for me as I was processing. So, my story is I have two children through adoption, two daughters. One, I met her when she was three months old, but she was born in Haiti and did not come home until she was two. And then my other daughter, I was there for her birth. That first year they were, and my second daughter was born two months after my first daughter came home, so it was a nutty time for me, but that first year was so traumatic for my two-year-old. She was in this complete state of fight, flight, or freeze, but hers was fight mostly. And there was that what I would phrase as a honeymoon period. That was not a honeymoon at all. It was a transitional period, but what I thought was going to be this magical moment in my life, because I had worked so hard to get her home, was met with this child who was really traumatized. And so, you were talking about this admitting and accepting and acknowledging this, that this event has created something in the way the brain synapses fire. And that was a really big turning point for me in terms of, “Oh my gosh. This is a train wreck to oh my gosh. This child just needs the chance to redevelop a trust and a way of communicating.” And she needed tools to figure out how to get through her trauma. And, it was big. It was really, I there's a few books on it that I will actually put in the show notes because I think they're well worth reading and that really dive much deeper into this conversation. And I think that it is important. It's so important really that couples address the loss their biological children are having, and really, give it a lot of space to breathe and understand that to your point. They're not just being brats. They are really dealing with something that is. If it's coming out, there's a reason it's coming out. They don't have the tools.

Laura Petherbridge: 18:07

And the difference for in a stepfamily, blended family, is that very often the child is living in two homes. So, with you adopting a child, that child is gradually day by day learning the patterns, and learning your voice where with a child of divorce or the split of a relationship one week there's one set of rules and one set of chores and one set of clothing and one set of homework, and then flip a switch, which their brain is not ready for. We go to another home where everything is radically different. The rules may be different. I may have different pets at that house. I may wear different clothes at that house. I may get help with my homework or not get help with my homework at that house. You see a child's brain is built on consistency. And when we now put a child in two homes with two completely different set of rules, guidelines, thoughts, processes, consequences, disciplines and we expect that child to be able to adjust very simply without getting angry, without crying, without getting afraid, it's too much for their brain. That's why they do so poorly. That's why you see them throwing fits and acting like they do. And unfortunately, today our automatic response is take that kid to a doctor and put them on a drug. And I'm not saying they don't need medication. Please don't hear something I'm not saying. There are children who need medication. What I am saying is we're not understanding the brain of these kids that have to switch gears every five or six days to a completely different lifestyle, and we're blaming that on a chemistry in their brain when in actuality it could be emotional and not chemical. And my encouragement to anyone before they put their child on medication is to make sure you're dealing with the trauma of them living in two homes. My favorite resource is a book called Between Two Worlds by Elizabeth Marquardt that is specifically for the child that is living in two homes. And she does a superb job of explaining the brain of the child that is flipping between one world for five or seven days, and then has to flip to a completely different world, and this is why the children are struggling so much. Between Two Worlds by Elizabeth Marquardt; it's a little bit older book. It doesn't have all the technology stuff that we're dealing with today with our kids, but I still think it's the best one on the market because it explains it so well and gives the parents what to do about it.

Traci Dority-Shanklin: 21:23

Yeah. I will be reading the book for sure. I'm surprised that it hasn't crossed my path already, but, like I think like you, I wasn't completely ignorant to the issue of loss because of growing up in multiple blended families with my mom and my dad. They were divorced and remarried. And there were seven marriages between my parents, so I was very much aware of the loss. And I think I read somewhere in your bio that you had two stepmothers as well.

Laura Petherbridge: 21:53

Yes, I did. My dad remarried the first time when I was about 12. I was eight when my parents split almost nine, and my younger brother was three. And so, I was about 11 or 12 when he remarried the first time. And that was the marriage where he adopted her two children and then they had a baby together. So, I have one biological brother, two stepbrothers, and one half-brother. I was the only girl. And then that marriage lasted about, oh, maybe 12, 14 years. And then when I was in my twenties, my dad got remarried again, divorced and remarried again, so I really did not see those stepbrothers or that half-brother very much after that second divorce. For him, that would be my first stepmom and his second divorce. And then he did end up divorcing his third wife also before he died. So, now my mom, met a man when I was 15 and he was pretty much in our life the whole time. They didn't live together until they moved to Florida. So, he was actually in the home for probably 25 or somewhere around there, years, 25, 30 years. He died last year. And I view him as my stepdad. He's been in my life since I was 15 and was very good to me. And didn't try to interfere with the relationship with my dad. And he was just for lack of a better word, he was my hero. He showed up when I needed. You know, when I was a teenager and got stranded at the mall, this is way before cell phones, he came and got me. And so, in my mind and in my life, my stepdad played a beautiful, wonderful role where my stepmoms, it was always tension. It was always battling between my biological mother and my stepmom. And who's going to win and who's getting the money and all of this tension. And I'm not saying it was my stepmother's fault. I'm not saying she was a bad person, or it was her fault. It just, all of the major events in my life, my graduation, my wedding are all marked by the tension between my mom on that side and my dad and his wife. I can remember it to this day that every major event in my life was filled with tension because of the stepfamily dynamic. There's another loss. I didn't get to have a normal walk down the aisle with mom and dad. And you see there's a grief associated with that for the child. Don't I get to have one day where I could just have my mother and my father getting along? So, I'm very big on telling stepparents, do not push your way into these major events. Like this past year, I had several, or last year, had several couples where the stepchild did not want the stepparent at their graduation. They only had two tickets, and they wanted their mother and their father. And the stepparent would get very mad, “I helped to raise you. I paid for this. I paid for that.” I said, “If you really love this child, you'll step back and let them have their biological parent.” That's what love really does is it gives the child what they need, not what you want. It takes a big person. It takes a big person, a lot of forgiveness, a lot of maturity to do that.

Traci Dority-Shanklin: 26:04

It does. Let me just say it absolutely does. So, for our listener, we're not here to say it's easy. It's definitely not easy. We are pausing our conversation with Laura Petherbridge here, but we will return in the next episode to dive deeper into healing our own wounds and seeing our stepchildren through a lens of their grief. Laura provides many tools, resources, and encouragement on navigating blending families with love and compassion. Because I don't want you to miss out on all the help, please check out our show notes or visit Laura's website at TheSmartStepmom.com, thesmartstepmom.com, and be sure to tune in to part two of the conversation on the next episode of the Nuclear Families Evangelist. You won't want to miss it. I'd like to also thank all of our listeners for tuning in to the Nuclear Families Evangelist, where we enlist experts in humor to help unlock our hidden superpower of being blended. Like you, I live and breathe my nuclear families every day. I am a wife, a mother through marriage, a mother again through adoption, and a daughter, half-sister, and stepsister from my very own eccentric family, with multiple marriages, multiple divorces, and multiple blended families. See you on the next episode of the Nuclear Families Evangelist, where we debunk the mythologies of biology with a lot of love, forgiveness, and humor. One conversation at a time.

Sisu Partners LLC hosts The Nuclear Families Evangelist podcast, which contains content discussions that have been prepared for informational, educational, and entertainment purposes only. No listener should assume that any discussion on this podcast serves as the receipt of, or substitute for, personalized advice from an investment professional or licensed medical professional. As the information provided on this podcast is not intended to be investment, legal, tax, or medical. The company is not an SEC-registered investment advisor and does not solicit clients or raise capital for money managers. Sisu Partners offer securities through XT Capital Partners LLC.