The Nuclear Families Evangelist
The Nuclear Families Evangelist
Blending Families: The Second Marriage Struggle
In today´s episode of the ‘Nuclear Families Evangelist’ (A podcast that debunks the mythologies and biology by exploring the dynamics and relationships in blended families), host Traci Dority-Shanklin continues the discussion with guest Marni Rosenthal-Chaikin, Business Development Manager in Pharmaceuticals and an Entrepreneur in the Health and Wellness industry. Marni talks about the struggles of second marriage.
Three Key Points
1. Marni reveals that while she was going through her divorce, she had a lot of support around her. She did have one person who said, “Everybody I know that got divorced regrets it”, but Marni has no regrets. In terms of the advice, a lot of people advised her to, “Never speak badly about your ex or the other person's ex”, and they really hold to that rule. Of course, they don't have anything bad to say, everybody's welcome when they come to drop off the kids. They want everyone to feel like this is an extended family.
2. Marni says that with his kid, we still try to keep the dynamics, a dad and his boys and a mom and her daughters to be very sacred and that is important. She thinks they have held true to that fear has not become a reality and they've made a conscious effort to uphold that promise.
3. We all saw firsthand how devastating it was during the pandemic, especially more than anything for the kids to be learning on zoom at home away from their friends, it was truly heartbreaking. Marni thinks for them they were lucky as they live in California where it's sunny 355 days a year but they try to take walks every day. They were fortunate enough to have a trampoline in their backyard, so they jumped a lot and tried to do something physically active with the kids every day.
Contact:
Traci Dority-Shanklin: LinkedIn Twitter Facebook
traci@sisupartnersllc.com
website: www.nuclear-families.com
For those of you just tuning in, I have been speaking with my friend Marni Rosenthal-Chaikin. Marni works in the pharmaceutical industry, but before that, she was an entrepreneur in the health and wellness industry, which is where I met her. In our previous episode, Marni touches on getting engaged and becoming a bonus mom to his two children from a previous marriage. So let's pick up the conversation with Marni, where we left off. When I married my husband, he had two children from a previous marriage, so I went right from being a single career woman to being an instant co-parent on our wedding day. Not that we had not, I had not met his children. Clearly I had, but it was my stepson. Within a year, I think of our marriage, maybe two, moved in with us. How has co-parenting changed or been impact? By your divorce, so co-parenting with your ex.
Marni Rosenthal-Chaikin:Hmm. We try to keep our lines of communication open as well. The kids go back and forth. They love their dad, they love me. I think they somewhat begrudgingly go back and forth. Nothing against him or I, but it of course can be hard. So I try to do, make sure that there's plenty of clean underwear over there and plenty of clean underwear over here. This is the way of the world these days. I think for at least 50 or 60% of the children, unfortunately,
Traci Dority-Shanklin:It's actually lower than I thought. It's gone down, It's 45% I was surprised but I will say that it's high that second marriages are the ones that struggle. I would say probably, often the struggle is blending families is that's, It's a hard thing to do.
Marni Rosenthal-Chaikin:Yeah.
Traci Dority-Shanklin:But it, it can be very rewarding.
Marni Rosenthal-Chaikin:I have a lot of friends that found their person and are, but are living apart. I have friends that have divorced that are still looking. I know people that are not planning to date until their children are out of the house, and I don't believe that there's necessarily, a right or wrong. I also know of people that. Have been married and divorced five times, and
Traci Dority-Shanklin:So do I. I come from a family of those.
Marni Rosenthal-Chaikin:I also feel like when you divorce, especially with young kids, You're putting your life, you're blowing it up. And the, there's just what's left is ashes. And so you have to be strong enough to find new pieces to rebuild and you have to rebuild yourself and who you rebuild as a completely different person than who you knew in your prior marriage. And it's often more than not somebody that you like a lot better than the person from your previous relationship. I know for me, when I was in Israel with the Jewish Women's Renaissance Project and there, there was a big sign up that said, No one is coming to rescue you. And I remember looking at that and thinking, Yeah, no, this is it. Like I, I am on my own, but I have made it on my own and. Realizing that I think actually opened me up to be able to actually have a partnership, because being able to know so full well that you've built your, you've torn yourself down, let yourself on fire, and then built yourself back up into a new, stronger, better version of yourself. I think for me, certain. Made me feel confident that no matter what came my way, I would be okay. And so having this wonderful, beautiful, fulfilling relationship was like an icing on a cake that like I had already baked myself. And I think that. Being able to compliment each other in that way after having been through what we've been through was, I wouldn't have been ready for somebody like my fiance 25 years ago, and there's just no way because I was a totally different person. So being able to receive that kind of love and that kind of partnership now, it feels like a reward, honestly, because I went through what I went through and because I did the work to get where I am. So I could have easily just, stayed my immature self and I probably would've been repeating the same patterns, which is probably why a lot of people get divorced three and four and five times. And again, that's. That's none of my business. But I know that they're typically blaming the other person each and every time. And sometimes you have to take a good, hard look at yourself. and I know for me, I really did that and had to change a lot about myself in order to be able to place myself into a new situation.
Traci Dority-Shanklin:Really well said and beautiful because it really does take work. divorce is not easy and I have not ever been divorced, but obviously my husband had been, and I lived through both of my parents, not just divorcing each other, but then divorcing again, there are third spouses. So even when it was a step-parent divorcing my dad or my mom, I definitely felt it. It still was because you can't help when you are that close. And I did see, in retrospect now I've done a lot of work like you and myself. I think I get a lot more about why my parents struggled the way they did to sort of find that they were looking outside of themselves for something that was, instead of looking inside themselves for that answer. Ultimately, I think they. Probably got there. I can't speak for them, but I would like to think that they had, that's certainly my hope for them. I was talking about co-parenting. How has it been, cuz you're in essence, a co-parent now and with your stepsons, so I know they're not officially stepsons yet, but you guys, I'm sure you feel that they're your part of you.
Marni Rosenthal-Chaikin:Oh, yes.
Traci Dority-Shanklin:Nuclear families is really a resurrection of something that I was doing before I had my children. A lot of it was based on being a step-parent, because at the time that was my experience of motherhood. and When I was doing it before, there seemed to be a lot of it can get, I guess when I was blogging, I would get frustrated because all I would hear is about how the ex was this and the ex was that, and it's so frustrating and I really wanted to come at it from a perspective of, let's do the work on you, because if you're feeling that way, it's usually about you. You can't worry about them. All you can do is change you. And then, how are you going to make this, How are you going to take yourself out of the equation, forgetting about what you might feel and making it about the kids, because they're the ones who are really the, they're the recipient. They're the ones that take on all the other, the bad stuff. Because they don't, they're, it's not their relationship that's broken.
Marni Rosenthal-Chaikin:Yeah. It's true.
Traci Dority-Shanklin:And I'm just interested how you're getting along with his ex-wife and how is that, how have you navigated that?
Marni Rosenthal-Chaikin:For on all fronts, there's a lot of communication and I, at one point, sent her a message, especially during the time that we were really blending and moving in with one another to just say, Hey, listen, I'll never be their mom. You're gonna be their mom forever and ever, but I will be there for them and I will always love them and certainly keep them safe and watch over them when they're here because I put myself in that position if my ex-husband were living with a woman or dating somebody who he was with around my daughters, I would wanna hear, I know it would feel like a blessing to hear that from the individual who had my kids 20 or 30 or 40% of the time. So, um, and I meant it too. I have no intention of ever taking the place of somebody else's mother by any means. I felt that it was important that she know that I always intend to treat them as my own when they're in my presence. And I do love them tremendously. So they're easy to love. they're good kids.
Traci Dority-Shanklin:Not everybody would agree with me, but I think most people in the end would say, You're right. They're all easy to love. That's,
Marni Rosenthal-Chaikin:Yeah.
Traci Dority-Shanklin:That's great. That's good. Yeah, I shared that experience. I didn't come from the perspective of having been a mom. I came from it having been a stepchild and I knew organically was that I didn't like feeling like there was a competition because, you know, know, my mom bless her, was pretty devastated when my parents split. It felt there was a lot of, I think, just pent up jealousy and I would, I was feeling it and receiving it and hearing it probably as well. And so when I got with my husband, one of the things that I did was I actually asked his ex-wife out to lunch, and I think it was a turning point for the relationship that I have with my stepchildren is cuz they ended up. Coming to the restaurant and seeing us together. And I think they were as surprised as anyone to see me sitting there. They were looking for her to get money for something and she was like, I'm here. And yeah, she's around all the time. not all the time, but all the big events for sure. We have, done together. it does, it's an important aspect. Absolutely. Again, my blended family has not been smooth sailing. We've had a lot of adjustment period. Even though I grew up in step families and it made me more aware and slightly more calculated in my responses to my stepchildren, I made some big mistakes. I remember I wanted so much in the beginning to have instant relationships with my step kids, and I think I alluded to this earlier and felt like such a failure when it didn't play out that way. And I forgot in the early days that there was this natural unconscious need for the child to protect the absent parent. And these protective instincts are the source of many children's like indifference, our arms length acceptance of their stepparents. But before my husband and I got married, I actually remember having a really tearful conversation, cuz again, I was mourning my own baggage and just wanting to get it right and as if there's some right way to be a stepparent. But again, it was just the baggage that I was carrying into it and I had to do the work and. We definitely made attempts to prepare our children or his children from his first marriage for our new family dynamic, and then we changed again because we also welcome children into our family through adoptions. I definitely did things differently because I was a stepchild, but I definitely put a lot of pressure on myself in those early years. So do you have a story or something that you could share about moving in together and merging? Any, I'm just thinking like my kids are at that age where farts are really funny, so I can imagine that being a funny thing.
Marni Rosenthal-Chaikin:Yeah, farts are always funny. There's never a time when farts are not funny. I, from my little one, I got a lot of questions, we were gonna have another baby, and the answer vehemently has been and continues to be No. There will be no additional children to bind us together somehow. We've got a full house. there's no, no need, no desire. The kitchen is closed, but truthfully, it's just been nice to see them. I'm my younger daughter's extremely social. My older daughter's a little bit more of an introvert. She just has a couple of close friends and my little one can walk down the street and make a hundred friends within five or 10 minutes. So it's just been interesting to see my older one kind of open up as she has these more like contemporary kids that are, her contemporaries. Living with her and seeing how she like lights up when they're around. They do have a lot of fun together and I think before when it was just her old mom and her little sister, she just didn't have the built in playmates that she now does. And so it's nice to see them do things and they play a lot of pranks on us. The other day came downstairs. Change the screen on the TV to be like a broken screen. It's like a screensaver that they were pretending to play ball in the living room. And then all of a sudden I just hear, heard all the screaming, and I came down and the TV screen is a mess. And I was like, Oh my God, what happened? They're like, We broke the screen. And, they had me going for a while and then eventually they revealed that it was just a screener on the screen tv. So they're having fun, which is nice, but not exactly an embarrassing story except for the fact that I was not smart enough to realize it was a screen saver. they really enjoyed egging me on
Traci Dority-Shanklin:Yeah. Did you get any. Or anything that you remember that somebody said to you that really helped or didn't help? Maybe you got some bad advice when you were thinking about blending these families
Marni Rosenthal-Chaikin:prior to that, I remember when I was going through my divorce and I had a lot of support around me. I did have one person, Somebody said, everybody I know that got divorced, regrets it. And I remember looking at that person and thinking, I don't really have anything to say to you anymore because I was it took me everything in my power to get to that point of deciding that I was going to make the move, that I was making that, I didn't feel seen or heard or supported at all. And I have no regrets. In terms of the advice. I, for one thing, I had a lot of people say never. Never speak badly about your ex or the other person's ex. And we really hold to that rule. Of course, we don't have anything bad to say. Our whole thing is listen, everybody's welcome. When they come to drop off the kids, they're welcome to come in. We just, we want everyone to feel like this is an extended family. And even though it's not exactly how. They might envision their life to have gone, or certainly how we envisioned our life to have gone. This is the way it unfolded and we're making the best of it, so let's just treat each other with kindness. That's like the common denominator that we have going on. We don't, no one's at fault. This is just how it turned out. And so we're gonna make the best with what our current situation, which. I know the kids didn't choose what we are trying to have, create a reality that is still palatable and enjoyable and overall as, as positive as we can make it. So having those guidelines of let's keep it positive, has been, that has been a saving grace.
Traci Dority-Shanklin:I think you're saying a lot of really wonderful things, cuz I think another thing is if you can almost as advice to people who are blending, have like together with your partner, create a vision for the family. And it can be as simple as let's keep it positive, right? that's the vision or the mission, if you will. So I think it's a really important thing.
Marni Rosenthal-Chaikin:Yeah, and I think the other fear for the kids certainly was like, Oh, hey, what's gonna change? are we still gonna have like our outings just with dad or just with mom? And the answer is yes, we're not bound to each other now on the weekends where, or in the evenings where we have to do things all together. The six of us, we really made it very clear that other than living under the same roof, not that much else is gonna change. Do we do things together? The six of us, as a blended family, of course, we have aa trip coming up for spring break that we're super excited about, but I still just do things with my kids. He just went to a Sixers Lakers basketball game with his kid. We still try to keep the dynamics amongst a dad and his boys and a mom and her daughters to be very sacred. And that is important and we've really, I think, held true to that request, that fear has not become a reality and we've made a conscious effort to really uphold that promise.
Traci Dority-Shanklin:Wonderful. So according to UNICEF, the Covid pandemic negatively impacted, as you know, everyone knows this mental health of our nation's children. The lockdowns, the social isolation, brought a lot of grief and fear and a lot of parental fatigue. So there was a report, CBS reporter Jane Crawford said that our covid policies have had a crushing impact on our nation's children and that this has been one of the most unreported stories of 2021. So I know that you work in the pharmaceutical industry and you've built your entire career on health and wellness and fitness. Do you have any suggestions or tips for parents and their children? What we can do to help, preserve or protect their mental health. I know it's a big question, so I'm, and I, by no means do we expect you to be an expert, but just your experience in the health and wellness world and pharmaceuticals.
Marni Rosenthal-Chaikin:Well, I mean, I think we all saw firsthand just how devastating it was, especially, I think more than anything for the kids to be learning on Zoom at home, away from their peers and their friends. And it was just, it was truly heartbreaking, I think, for all of us. This is gonna probably sound somewhat trite, but we tried to take walks every day. we're lucky. We live in California where it's sunny, 355 days of the year, but tried to take walks every day. I was fortunate enough to have a trampoline in our backyard and so we, we jumped a lot and I tried. Just do something physically active with them every day. That vitamin D outside, I think probably was the biggest game changer. Cause you know, there wasn't there, there weren't the activities. There was a while where soccer was canceled and all kind. The other team sports was, you couldn't even hit a tennis ball because if you tucked one ball, Oh, cross-contamination. I mean, it was, it was wild So just that physical activity I think made a big difference. But Do I have advice? No, I just, I think what I'm embracing for as the next couple of years and seeing how this all shakes out because I think there's gonna be, a lot of people are talking about the pandemic after the pandemic, which is as we begin to slowly go back to normal or this new normal, like my stepson and ended, began the pandemic as a seventh grader and went back to school as a high schooler. think about that. Or the college kids, I have no tried and true answers yet I might in a few years, or at least some some tangible advice that I could offer, but for now, I'm just watching the signs and bracing myself for what is to come because there's gonna be some pretty big fallout for many of us on, the last two years, certainly for our kids.
Traci Dority-Shanklin:Yeah, you mentioned exercise and I have a daughter who struggles with anxiety and that is a huge component to her, And she's naturally knows it. Sometimes she just wants to get out of the car and run the rest of the way home. like she's, cuz she just knows that there's, that's one way for her to dissipate that feeling. So it's a really wonderful thing that you were aware of it cuz I, it took me watching a child suffer for a while to realize how important, like really enforcing some form of physical activity was But I was on the road during Covid and an RV with my kids, so we were outside a lot. So like you, we were out and we were doing things and it, and it really helped soften the blow. But I do see it. I do see it. I'm no, I've shared with you a personal story where I had to leave town And it was really hard when I had to leave town that first time. coming off of the lockdown and the isolation of really, I had spent almost two years, felt like nonstop 24/7 with my kids. At least a year and a half. And that was a bit of a rocky transition. But we made it through, and I think you're right that the fallout is could, there could be longer term fallout that we just don't know. I have one more big question. I just realized that I have one more. actually I have two, so I know that my listeners are predominantly women and I have to know about aesthetics, and what you're doing.
Marni Rosenthal-Chaikin:I'm doing business development which kind of combines, you know, my, my passion for beauty and health and wellness with helping what are predominantly small business owners develop, another stream of revenue. And that was my biggest takeaway from owning the studios was just, helping, studio owners Recognize their strength and acting as almost like in a consultative way to, because I was early on, in, in the Pure Barre, in the pure bar phase. So I was able to share a lot of my trials and tribulations and my learnings to hopefully help a lot of people, avoid some of the pitfalls that I wasn't able to. And I'm seeing now to the point that you had earlier of being able to take that, those experiences of helping business owners and also running my own businesses simultaneously. And transferring those skills into the role that I'm in now has just been very exciting.
Traci Dority-Shanklin:And I think that, aesthetics is something that every, everyone's gonna have their own approach to that. So to me, if it's something that makes you feel better and more empowered, then you should go for it. And I just had a conversation with a doctor who is in aesthetics and he was just talking about some of the amazing things that are coming out in terms of anti-aging that really. Almost could eliminate any kind of facial surgery if you're, if you wanted to go down that path. So it was, it's it's pretty exciting. It's a pretty exciting, I would think, part of the market to be in. And I'm happy that you found your road to travel in this chapter of your life, and congratulations on your recent engagement as well, that's amazing. And your. so many changes. okay, so the big question if there is one piece of advice that you could tell your younger self, what would you want her to know?
Marni Rosenthal-Chaikin:Well, I, I once read, and I'm trying to remember where, it was probably a meme on Instagram, but that you find yourself with the partner that you think that you deserve. And who you choose is really a direct reflection on how you feel about yourself. And I think. I probably would have found ways to give myself, I dunno if this is even possible, but find ways to believe in myself much more than I did. Cuz I think I made a lot of choices based on the person that I believed that I was as, as opposed to, who I really was. And I don't really think I was able to really step into my power until, the last 10 or 15 years. Probably, maybe just like a. I'd probably give myself some kind of like a crash course in confidence and self worth.
Traci Dority-Shanklin:Amen.
Marni Rosenthal-Chaikin:I dunno if that exists.
Traci Dority-Shanklin:If it does sign me up! It is, it is about the journey in the end, and I think that's what we're here to talk about is this is all part of the journey. And if you find yourself in a blended family situation or in my case, even coming to motherhood in a different, in, in multiple different ways, it is all. Really exactly where you're supposed to be, but it is part of, you're learning something at every juncture, Anyway, thank you so much, Marni, for being a guest today. You are such a light, and I am just honored to say that I know you and to have had you as a guest on our premier episode.
Marni Rosenthal-Chaikin:Thank you for having me, Traci. It was a pleasure to be here. It's so good to see you.
Traci Dority-Shanklin:Yes, I know. Really. I look forward to when we do this in person the next time I'm in California. We'll, definitely. Sit down and maybe do a follow up chat and see how things are going.
Marni Rosenthal-Chaikin:Would love it.
Traci Dority-Shanklin:Sounds great. A big thank you to all of our listeners for tuning in to the Nuclear Families Evangelist, where we enlist experts and humor to help unlock our hidden superpower of being blended. Like you, I live and breathe my Nuclear families every day. I am a wife, a mother through marriage, a mother again through adoption, and a daughter and a half sister from my very own eccentric family with multiple marriages and multiple blended families. See you on the next episode of the Nuclear Families Evangelist, where we debunk the mythologies of biology with a lot of love, forgiveness, and humor, one conversation at a time. Sisu Partners, LLC hosts the Nuclear Families Evangelist podcast, which contains content and discussions that have been prepared for informational, educational and entertainment purposes only. No listeners should assume that any discussion on this podcast serves as a recipe of or substitute for personalized advice from an investment professional or licensed medical professional, as the information provided on this podcast is not intended to be investment, legal, tax, or medical advice. The company is not an SEC registered investment advisor and does not solicit clients or raise capital for money managers Sisu Partners offer securities through XT Capital Partners, LLC.